Armed with only a cape and a utility belt, we've rounded up the most badass bits of games news you missed from this week and banged them up in this dingy, lightless cell of highlights. You're welcome.
So, everyone's going bats for the Dark Knight Rises and - as if on purpose - there suddenly seem to be so many superhero game announcements you can barely throw a Batarang at this week's news section without hitting one.
For those sick to the lycra pants of superheroes, what better way to relieve your stress than clobbering the bejesus out of Wonder Woman, Superman, Flash and the bat-eared beefcake himself in Injustice: Gods Among Us. It looks like a riot.
If you're still twitching from your geekgasm over the Avengers movie, though, gaming has got you covered: Comic-Con this week gave us sexy trailers for an Avengers Kinect and Wii U game as well as new MMO Marvel Heroes.
And that's not all. Marvel's Deadpool gave us a glimpse of his new game, and in keeping with his character it looks like it'll be a wacky combo of the potty mouth and lecherous behaviour of Duke Nukem with the ninja skills of Shinobi. Winner!
Tired of defending video games against those who say they're just for undersexed teenage boys? Look away now...
The creators of a dating site for gamers caused outrage by launching a spin off service arranging casual sex for frustrated button bashers. We won't give them any more promotion by mentioning the site's name, but be assured it's about as subtle as a porn flick's plotline.
From the sublime to the genuinely sad, there's been a lot of death by gaming this week.
News of Battlefield 4 leaked onto the web, and this brilliant comedy clip shows just how many EA security guards were sacrificed to bring you the revelation. That didn't stop many a Battlefield veteran threatening sticky ends of EA bosses for not making Bad Company 3 instead.
For those who prefer more artful forms of assassination than Battlefield, check out these killer clips. Hitman Absolution showed off a full 17 minutes of superb gameplay, which looks so good we nearly forgot about the whole punching nuns in the face thing. Not to be outdone, Assassin's Creed 3 showed off its new skills with a 7-minute killing spree around Independence-era Boston - we're loving that rifle kill on the ship near the end.
On a more sombre note, a Taiwanese teenager died after a 40-hour session on Diablo III. How does this keep happening?
Stacks of top trailers this week, make some time to catch up: